Sleep my Beauty
by lanalish
Summary: The alternate Sleeping Beauty. What happens when a life of crime is mixed with unemployment and a rusty nail? COMPLETE
1. Part One

**Disclaimer:** This fiction is based the fairytale of Sleeping Beauty, I do not own the original Sleeping Beauty story. No profit, with the exception of my own personal satisfaction, is being made from this fiction and no copyright infringement is intended.

That being said, Have Fun!

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Once upon a time there lived a mafia overlord and his wife. They ruled over a secluded country tucked into the underside of the world, which was a lucky chance as it had the highest rates of gun running, money laundering and organised crime in the world.

One day, to the dismay of the mafia queen, and the extreme incredulity of the mafia king, the mafia queen found out she was pregnant. She gave birth to a daughter named Ursula. To celebrate the birth of their new daughter, the mafia overlords decided to host a party in their mansion and invite all of their criminal friends.

The party was going well, with Ursula's fairy godmothers offering gifts of stealth, mendaciousness, and tenaciousness, and all sorts of things that would be useful in Ursula's future life of crime. Before the last fairy godmother could present her gift to the baby, however, the lights dimmed, there was a flash of lightning, a crash of thunder and eerie music began playing in the background. The doors slammed open to reveal an austere figure in the doorway. It was a man. He had short hair, the colour of mocha, and snapping, derisive brown eyes. He was wearing a navy blue suit and a novelty tie covered with a colourful squirrel pattern. His imitation Gucci loafers squeaked on the polished wooden floors as he approached the cradle with the baby lying in it.

Then he said clearly, so that everyone at the party could hear, "I have come to punish evil doers." Several hundred felons in the party tugged nervously at their collars. The mafia king peered at the strange man, "Uh…I'm afraid you're going to have to be a bit more specific."

Then the mafia queen said, "Who are you, anyway? And how did you get past security?" The man, with a neat flick of the wrist, revealed a golden police badge, "Detective Sampson at your service ma'am."

There was an awkward silence as the room was filled once again, with people with suddenly itchy collars.

"And who," the king said, "Is this villain you speak of?"

Detective Sampson pointed sharply at the cradle and whipped out his handcuffs, saying, "Mafia princess Ursula, you are arrested in advance for future crimes you will commit."

The mafia queen cried in outrage, "That's absurd! You can't do that!"

Detective Sampson was suddenly uncomfortable. This wasn't part of his plan. Events had taken a rather unpleasant turn and the room was now filled with large men, cracking their knuckles and glaring menacingly at him.

"Alrighty then, well I'm not letting you turn her into some sort of a mercenary kleptomaniac, sooo…" He pulled out his notebook, "Plan B. Let's see….OK. Got it. Ahem. When you are sixteen," he said, addressing the sleeping baby, but speaking loud enough so that everyone at the party could hear, "You will prick your finger on a rusty nail…and die!" Detective Sampson swept out.  

The mafia king peered at his wife and said, "Well, it's not so bad."

The mafia queen looked back at him and replied, "Yes, it could have been worse." They smiled.

The door opened again and Detective Sampson stuck his head through the gap. "Oh!" he exclaimed, "I forgot to tell you, not only will she prick her finger and die, but she will have no desire to take part in major bank robberies (the mafia queen began to hyperventilate at this point) and she will refuse to wear petticoats and will wear jeans instead."

With this Detective Sampson left. The mafia queen was absolutely horrified at this news, she was pale and clammy, "Husband." She moaned, "Husband, what are these jeans he speaks of?"

The mafia king was uneasy, but he answered reluctantly, "Err… well, they're, um, well. Pants."

"Pants?!" the mafia queen managed to squeak before she fainted dead away.

Luckily, there was still one more fairy godmother to present her gift to the mafia princess . Her name was Great Aunt Magma. She didn't really feel like undoing the spell, although she was perfectly capable of it, so she decided to change it a little. "She shall not die, but sleep, for one hundred years, when poisoned by the nail, until awoken by the kiss of a handsome prince."


	2. Part Two

Sixteen years later Mafia Princess Ursula strolled through the mansion corridors. She had alabaster white skin and long, straight black hair with vivid red streaks through it, and eyes that matched in colour. Sure enough, she was wearing a pair of baggy, torn jeans and heavy black lace-up combat boots. She was walking past the North tower when a ball of light appeared before her. She screamed, "Electric light! Not with this make up!" She shielded her face with her arms, "And it'll frizz my hair up! I just straightened it!"

But as she looked into the light she went into a trance and glided up the stairs into the tower. When she got to the top she saw two things in a room. A box and a man. The man had hair the colour of mocha and snapping, derisive brown eyes. He was wearing a black cape and black robes with a high, foreboding collar. "Welcome." The man said in a would-be mystical voice.

"Wait a minute!" Mafia princess Ursula exclaimed, "Detective Sampson, right?"

The man pulled a face, "Actually, no. I was fired. They accused me of abusing my authority. All that business about premature apprehension and sentencing babies to death. It all turned very ugly. So now I'm Evil Magician Sampson."  He was very self-satisfied. "Now." Evil magician Sampson said, "Down to business. You will notice a box on the floor."

Ursula peered at the box. It read:

Do it Yourself for Dummies: Make Your Own Spinning Wheel 

Mafia Princess Ursula was NOT impressed.

"Uh, excuse me? What do you think I am? Some kind of dorky hardware guy? You expect me to make this thing? I don't think so!"

But Evil Magician Sampson was having none of this. "Oh please? Pretty please with sugar on top?"

Ursula didn't have the heart to refuse. She peered at the equipment in the kit. "Hmmmm," she said, "These nails look rather rusty…" She picked one up to inspect it, "Are you sure these are safe?"

But before she could finish her question she was asleep on the floor.


	3. Part Three

One century later, Ursula's Great Aunt Magma was sitting on a rock (Magma is a fairy god mother, and therefore immortal.) When a handsome prince walked up beside her.

"Hail, fair maiden!" He greeted Magma, "What is in yonder house?"

Magma told him.

"Ah! A handsome prince! How appropriate. For I am Prince Charming, one of the handsomest men ever to live, and I am searching for a wife whose beauty will match my own!" He chuckled, "If that is indeed possible, which I highly doubt. Tell me, is this damsel beautiful?"

"Aaah, I don't know if you would call her…"

"Of course she is!" Prince Charming interrupted, "I shall rescue this princess and make her my bride!" Great Aunt Magma did not like the idea, but she finally agreed and conjured up a sword and a shield for the prince to use. As the two approached the mansion they met a guard.

"You may pass," the guard said, "If you can defeat me in sword combat." He looked very menacing.

After numerous strikes and parries the guard sliced off the prince's shoulder length platinum hair.

"No, No! Not the hair! Anything but the hair!" The prince wailed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I'll have you hanged for this!"

The guard gaped at Prince Charming incredulously; he could not believe that someone would make this much fuss about his hairdo.

"Weird." He thought, considering his own buzz cut.

The guard eventually let them pass, as he couldn't stand the prince's continuous bawling.

Next they came to a wall of thorns. Prince Charming put his finger to one of the thorns and squealed girlishly. "Ow! That hurts! And I will probably get a scar."

Magma banged her forehead with her palm.

They were nearly at the mansion gates when the prince trod in a puddle of mud. "Ew ew ew!" He said, shaking his hands in front of him. "Gross! Mud! And my shoes are ruined!! That is it! I am never buying silk shoes ever again! These cost me five thousand dollars!!! And I am never ever ever _ever_ walking in the dirt again!!" 

When the pair finally made it up the tower they opened the door to find a sleeping girl sprawled on the stone floor. Looking exactly as she had when she fell asleep.

Prince Charming was quite taken aback with what he saw.

Not only was she incredibly ungraceful, she was wearing a strange garment made out of a kind of blue canvas that looked suspiciously like trousers. 

She was wearing heavy boots instead of delicate slippers, and there was not a petticoat to be seen.

"Where is the flowing blonde hair, and the elegant gown and the jewels? Are you sure she is even a real princess?" Prince Charming demanded Magma in trepidation.

Magma shifted uncomfortably, "Well, uh, princess, heir to the mafia, it's all the same really."

Prince Charming shrugged, "Well, if you insist." He said apprehensively, "But that nose ring is _so _one hundred years ago! And that hair, what was she thinking!? Well I suppose her hair is long, at least"

He leaned down and gave Ursula a wet kiss on the lips.

Spluttering indignantly Mafia Princess Ursula sat up," My God!"

"Yes, I suppose I am!" the prince exclaimed proudly.

"Argh! A girl tries to get a little beauty sleep!" She peered at Prince Charming. It was Prince's Charming turn to be indignant, "Excuse me, fair maiden, but I was trying to help you."

Seeing he was piqued, Ursula softened slightly. "Alright. Just…a little less tongue next time, OK?"

Prince Charming looked at her blankly, as if the mere notion that he was anything less than perfect was ludicrous and unthinkable.

"I have come here to make you, fair maiden, my bride." He puffed out his chest proudly. Ursula spluttered unintelligibly. Prince Charming beamed, "Naturally, you are eager and will want to start wedding preparations immediately, so as to marry me as soon as possible." 

He winked at her, "Would not want someone else to snatch me up would you?" Ursula stared. Was this some kind of a joke? Some kind of bizarre game?

The prince continued, "We shall reside in this stately home. However," he wrinkled his nose in distaste as he glanced at their surroundings, "There will have to be renovations. The wiring will have to be redone, so there will be enough light to observe my reflection in various kitchen utensils and brass doorknobs."

While saying this he had pulled out a framed hand mirror and had begun admiring himself, smiling. "Now be honest," he said dreamily, "Which one is really my best side? The right or the left?"

Mafia Princess Ursula pulled Great Aunt Magma aside for a quiet chat. 

"I can't marry this guy! He's a joke!"

 Magma sighed, "I know he is a little bit…"

"Egotistical, narcissistic, arrogant, conceited!" 

"Well, actually I was going to say he was a bit over confident.  And anyway he rescued you. You have to marry him. It's the law. You're family wouldn't like you breaking the law would they?"

Ursula looked at Magma like she was a very dim light bulb

"Ok, don't answer that."


	4. Part Four

The wedding preparations went ahead. Prince charming did not notice his bride's lack of enthusiasm, mistaking it for anxiousness about not being able to ever match up to his greatness.

An electrician was called in to fix the wiring. Ursula was stunned when she saw the electrician.

He was a man.  He had hair the colour of mocha. He had snapping, derisive brown eyes. He was wearing an electrician's uniform.

"Hey! I know you!" Ursula exclaimed, "Evil magician Sampson, right?"

The man pulled a face, "Actually, no. I was fired from that job. They said I wasn't evil enough. Apparently evil magicians aren't supposed to have manners. Something about it being prohibited to speak the words 'please' and 'pretty' in the same sentence. I was disgracefully discharged from the clan in a very painful ceremony involving a toffee apple, a pair of green knee socks and fire, lots and lots of fire. So now I'm Electrician Sampson!"

"Oh…that's really great." 

Ursula couldn't help but notice how enticing that mocha hair looked on him. He handed her a business card. It read: 

Sampson and Sampson's Co, quality work, or your autopsy free!!!          

As disturbing as this announcement was, Ursula couldn't help but smile.

Electrician Sampson got to work. 

"You know," Mafia Princess Ursula said flirtatiously, "I love a man in uniform."

She stroked his bicep seductively.  

Electrician Sampson gave her a lopsided smile. "Well I find naughty women quite attractive myself," he said, referring to her criminal nature.

"You know, I'm supposed to marry this guy tomorrow, what say we give him the slip?"

"What are you saying?" Ursula laughed softly, "I'm saying let's get out of here. You. Me. There's a big bad world out there, let's go see it."  

"But what about your fiancé?"

Mafia princess Ursula sneered like the devil she was, "Oh. Him. I can take care of him"

The next day Prince Charming married Great Aunt and fairy godmother Magma.

He didn't even notice she was not the woman he had proposed to. 

Until the honeymoon that is.

Electrician Sampson's electrical business closed down.

(Apparently the coroner was not able to support the number of autopsies due to electrical injuries given out for free.)

Unemployed Sampson and Mafia Princess Ursula started up their own crime syndicate.

Criminal Sampson finally had a job he was good at. 

Doing nothing while his girlfriend did all the work. 

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I hope you had as mush fun reading it as I did writing it, and believe me; I had a LOT of fun writing it.

Review, please

Merci, beaucoup

Have a nice day.

=P 


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